Loved your belt in Montpellier
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He was talking about how hard it was to be apart all the time. I would rather be unhappy loving you, he was saying, than never having seen you. I was in Montpellier because everyone was in agreement—my dad, my friends, my therapist Denise—that I needed a vacation. I had been barely holding it together. The flight between San Francisco and France encountered rowdy turbulence. People clutched and gasped around me. I sat patiently, realizing that I would be more relieved than disappointed if we went down.
That made me sad. But other than that, I was some percent resigned to our imminent death. When it became clear that we were going to make it, I was left with the sorrow of that peace. On the ground, my symptoms stayed fairly well behaved. Conveniently, during that week, we were drunk all the time. It kept me loose and open, so that I was touched deeply by the sex we were having, but the steady stream of booze assisted a light dissociation that kept my rawness to below-freak-show levels.
Only small amounts of it seeped through. For the most part, I maintained the appearance of a still possibly normal person. Ditto when he came to visit me two weeks after I left Montpellier, in San Francisco.
His deployment was over. He had some time off. And these figs were grown here. In our first couple of days, I fell into a dark, hopeless hole. But it was shallow. I looked sad but calm, not having raving, committable-type PTSD symptoms.
I drove him to Marin County, north over the Golden Gate Bridge, past redwoods to a rented house in a small town with sea-salt-and- eucalyptus-tinged air. I fed him Mission burritos and world-famous chocolate tarts. On his birthday, which fell toward the end of his two-week trip, I rented him a motorcycle more powerful than the one he rode at home—with more horsepower than was allowed by French law—and climbed onto the back of it, giving him directions to Big Sur via California Highway 1.